I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
