I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
