Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
