I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the condom got lost in my hair
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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