i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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