I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
why is half of my head shaved?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
