My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
