for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
