you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
