if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
