he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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