Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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