Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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