arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
