I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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