The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
