I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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