DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Dicks are not precious.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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