my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
3pm strippers are depressing
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
