I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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