dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
