Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
