There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
