first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
