How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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