I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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