you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
