First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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