Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
