my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
