I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
