I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
