I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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