I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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