My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish you could order shots online.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
