i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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