Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
