I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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