end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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