I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
