i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
