What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
