Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
