How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
