I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
