i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
