I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
