wanna go halves on a baby?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
