i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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