I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
