omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
