Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
