I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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